Weightlifting Can Be Pretty

It's no secret I have body dysmorphia and eating disordered thoughts. It's also no secret that my sports (weightlifting and powerlifting) require that I face that my body fears and wear a singlet. I've had to wear one for 13 years. It's never fun. But I've come to realize it can be pretty. 

                                                
New Singlet

Last week I wore my new singlet for the first time. I videoed myself in it and made a post about it on facebook and Instagram. Below is the wording that accompanied the video (which can be accessed in this link)

"Lifting requires I eat. However competitive lifting also requires I be classified by a weight class and wear a singlet. I don't know how much I weigh. I don't step on a scale unless it is a meet. Even then I tell the official to not tell me how much I weigh. I know I have gained a considerable amount of weight since my back injury last year. It generally doesn't bother me much. I've been wearing shorts in public (something I never did before) and consistently eating.

But when I have to wear a singlet I break down. It is a necessary evil in my world. Whether I was 107 or 170 I always felt fat and disgusting in a singlet. I have a meet next week so I had to wear it today. In a gym of people I didn't know. I was half exposed and essentially wearing shorts to train. I never wear shorts to train. I hate how it feels. And how I look.

But I wore that singlet today even when I wanted to put pants over it and lift isolated. I had a bad session (in my mind) and was all over the place but I did it.

Posting all the angles of that outfit and my perceived imperfections to take away the power of the thoughts. You can choose how to handle those thoughts.

Rodney Yee said "The places where you have the most resistance are actually the places that are going to be the areas of the greatest liberation."

So if you are feeling down on yourself...for whatever reason...just remember that you only get one body. And quite honestly you're probably the only one who cares what it looks like. After all, doctors told me I'd never snatch or squat again and here I am. Waist size and singlet size be damned...I'm lifting again and that's what counts. You can check out my whole story from injuries to ED to comebacks at ironlessons.blogspot.com"

Old Thoughts

That post garnered quite a bit of attention and I had a lot of very positive feedback. 

Truth be told, it shocked me a little. I felt like this ugly sausage stuffed in a casing. I didn't believe any of the kind words. All I saw was cottage cheese legs and a huge stomach. 

Weight Worry

I knew I had a meet coming up and I didn't want to be upset when they weighed me. I can tell the official not to tell me my weight but I either see it on a screen or they announce it. 

I always want to be prepared for anything that may come at me on meet day. I've trained with music, no music, people, no people, people in front of me, people next to me, one shoe looser than the other, belt, no belt...you name it, I've done it. 

So I weighed myself this week. I weighed well over 75+ kilos. Writing things in kilos lessens the blow. I weighed 190 pounds. I typed out my thoughts to a trusted friend. I acted like it didn't bother me. But it did. I gained about 30 pounds since last July. Of course injury will do that. ED relapses will do that. Does that make it feel any better? No. 


I went to the grocery store and had an old episode. One of near debilitating fear. I wring my hands and stare at aisles of food and produce. It takes me 5 or more minutes to calm down. I ducked into an aisle and focused on my breathing to calm my mind (thanks yoga). I texted my thoughts. I ended up getting food and leaving. And eating.

Haters Gonna Hate

Two days later I had someone tell me I had it easy because all I did was sit around and coach. Granted they didn't know me very well but I'd be lying if I said that didn't hurt me. A lot. Especially after that weight situation.

If you've never been a seriously competitive athlete, had an extensive injury, and had to fight your way back (mentally and physically), I'm not sure you can understand how it feels to have someone say that to you.

I felt like they said that because I'm bigger than I used to be. Trust me, I didn't gain the weight because I was lazy. If you think I liked not being able to use my lower body for 10 months or that I enjoy having to take baby steps forward and backwards due to pain, then you don't know me. At all.

I don't just sit around and coach. A lot of what I do is coaching but I still train. I do everything in my power to train. I don't sit around and let my junk hang in the wind. I've been working daily to get back on my game, I have meets coming up, and fingers crossed a national event at the end of the year.

 
Things To Make You Feel Pretty Competing

Custom Singlets

Custom singlets, wrist wraps and fancy nails can make you feel like a million bucks on the platform. It can help take away some anxiety or disordered thoughts even if for a minute. Heck, each lift is only a minute (you know what I mean) so that piece of mind is worth it!

If you are a female and you need a singlet I highly recommend Heather Snethen's Glamlet Athletics. She can customize one to tailor your personality too.  




Custom Wrist Wraps


My close friend and multi-time national champion Samantha Poeth customizes wrist wraps through her company Kilo Gear. Check out Kilo Gear on facebook here.


Painting Your Nails

It's therapeutic for me and it lets me feel like a girl. Paint them nails ladies!

But don't paint them the same day you lift or this will happen. 

Iron Lesson

At the end of the day, I face all of my demons. Daily. You can't run from food. You can't run from a singlet. I wear the singlet and I still compete. Competing doesn't mean you have to win a medal or set a record every meet. Are those things great? Heck yes they are and I've had my fair share of both. You compete for the love of the sport. And if you're not competing, then you're selling yourself short.

People are petrified of not being the best. Of not being perfect. I'm guilty of it too. I get embarrassed sometimes at where I am at with my numbers compared to where I was. But unlike some people, I don't let it define or ruin my life. I wear my singlet. And now I'm even wearing shorts to train (something I never did before). I wear it to take away the self imposed stigma and  self-esteem battles.

 Don't give negativity power. 

Throw some glitter on it and harness the positive. 


                                            

 If Diesel can wear a singlet, so can you!

Respect

Aretha sang about it. Humans seek it. And Internet trolls don't know what it is.

Throughout this strength sport journey I've encountered some wonderful people. From coaches to athletes to doctors and everyone in between. The one thing they all have in common aside from their love of the sport is the fact that they are respectful towards other coaches, athletes and humans. They exude respect and in return receive it from almost everyone they come into contact with. 

However there are those out who don't know to spell respect let alone give it. This may or may hit be intentional. To save them embarrassment & being black listed I've put together a few pointers:

Don't Poach 

It's just tacky. Don't scout another gym's facility, staff or members for your own. Put your product out there and if someone wants to join you in their professional or athletic journey, so be it. But if you act like a weasel then you are going to get a bad reputation.

Don't Step On Toes

I'm an olympic weightlifting "specialist." All I do is analyze movement day in and day out. That being said I have a lot of supplemental clients from different facilities. Key word is "supplemental": in addition to, also. I'm not their primary coach and most have another sport they participate in but use weightlifting to get better at it. 

If this is you, make sure you reach out to the gym owner or if nothing else have the athlete do so before they start their program. This is crucial if you are doing this locally. I make it a point to contact the gym owner thanking them for allowing the athlete to do my program. It's just common courtesy. 

Don't Give Unsolicited Advice

If you are at a meet or a competition, and someone has a coach, do not offer your advice to the athlete. It makes you look like a jerk (and not the kind we like in weightlifting). It can also confuse the athlete. 

If you are in a gym, don't shout out cues to someone in a class if you don't know the coach and haven't established that kind of relationship. With the coach AND the athlete. If you aren't certified then you definitely shouldn't. Visiting a facility? Definitely don't do it! It's disrespectful beyond belief. 

Even when we are in training with the team if Tyler is cuing an athlete I keep my mouth shut and let him take the reigns. He does the same for me. Too much cuing from too many people, even if both are right, can lead to confusion. Let one voice be heard at a time. 

Don't Ask For Free Stuff

My biggest pet peeve is when people message me asking for a program for free or expect me to analyze their movement pattern. It's flattering in some regards that people seek me for advice, which I will gladly give, but don't disrespect what I do for a living. I have paying clients and if I just sat around giving out programs I spent a long time on creating then it devalues their product. Video analysis take me anywhere to 7-15 minutes to just talk over, not including watching it before hand, slowing it down, uploading it, typing the message and sending it. Lord knows how many times the program had an error and decided not to save after a 16 minute monologue.

Anyone who knows me knows that I will give the shirt (or singlet) off my back for someone (I literally have done both). If you sincerely want help and approach me properly, I'll gladly give it you. I have many students and people that just couldn't afford help but came to be professionally and with good intentions; their sessions may have been $20 when they could afford it, some food dishes when they had extra, whatever. 

We traveled for six months to different CrossFit gyms offering weightlifting training and had blog access for free. I'm not a Grinch in the slightest & I've been in those shoes before and I know what's it like. I know the difference between "Do I buy groceries" or "Do I pay for my membership/program/meet fee" (you can guess which always won out; Sup Ramen Summer of 2013). Even when I was flat broke and a mentor reached out to offer advice, not once did I ask them to do so for free. I offered to pay & if they didn't accept I sent shirts, beer, or gift cards. Something to say thank you.

The point is: the people who I help never came to me asking for a discount or something for nothing. And at the end of the day, you get what you pay for.

Don't Ask Me About Another Person's Programming

This goes hand in hand with "Don't Ask For Free Stuff". If you have a program you probably got it from one of two places: (1) For Free Off The Interweb or (2) From Another Coach.

When people ask me about a program I tell them to ask whomever wrote it for them or whatever site they got it from. If you are a coach then you sure as heck wouldn't want someone's else idea of what your athlete should be doing messing up your program. If you found it online then 9 times out of 10 there are glossaries, indexes or video tutorials on that website to guide you.

What's even worse is when someone asks me when I'm clearly working with someone on a paid session or at team training. Just don't do it. Especially don't do it if you've never spoken to me before and this is going to be your introduction. Especially don't message me on facebook and when I don't respond text me (or vice versa); respect the craft.

As with everything else, I know not everyone has bad intentions and typically I still answer the question. But if you are a habitual offender then all I have to say is "Bye Felicia".

Don't Degrade Another Coach

 With the creation of social media I've seen some "coaches" bash legendary coaches in the sport. One incident involved one of my mentors and it it immediately made me loose respect for the person posting it. You can disagree with someone but at the same time respect where they have been and what they have done for the sport. Without them you wouldn't be able to do what you do. Not every day is Festivus so keep the airing of grievances off the internet.

That doesn't exactly get you treasures in . I'm all about drinking some Haterade with my friends. But don't walk up to my athlete and say "Is Amber really that good?" What do you expect them to say? "No she really isn't. I just give her money and get my butt handed to me because I'm bored." Again I think this is supposed to be a compliment but there are better ways to go about it than this.

Don't Program Hop

It makes you look like a pansy and like you can't make up your mind. Grow a pair & finish something you started whether it's for a cycle or not. Nothing beats consistency and hard work. If you don't trust your coach or your program, move on.

Iron Lesson: The barbell may not care if you're disrespectful but those in the sport do. Pay your dues, hone your craft, and be the bigger person.

 

Get A Life

Since my last post I had one of the best meets of my life. 4 state records with no pain whatsoever. What changed? My mind was the calmest it has ever been & the results spoke for themselves. My training numbers have gone up, my stress levels have gone down, I haven't skipped a meal in a month and I've gone in public more. 

So what changed? I GOT A LIFE OUTSIDE THE GYM.

Don't have an aneurysm. Amber's idea of getting a life isn't earth shattering or wild and exciting. But it was therapeutic for my recovery (physically and mentally). While I love the gym and the gains, I was sacrificing my mental & physical health for it. All I really needed to do was take a step back and let the gains fall where they may.

The following are things I made time for:

Yoga

It's no surpirise Amber likes herself some yoga. Is she a natural at it? 

But I do like to practice. I had been going to a yoga studio for a few months but finances were not kind to me so I had to stop attending with instructors. Trust me I looked for a million alternatives to keep me in the studio with adult supervision.

Enter Instagram. I can hear you guys now: "Girl we all know you love yourself some social media!" Why yes I do but there were a million of yogis on there to choose from. I watched clips every day and starting in September I started doing the Size Doesn't Matter monthly Challenge hosted by @yoga_divina and @mynameisjessymyn . I liked it because people of all shapes and sizes were doing it AND they had great tutorials.

I started doing videos of the poses and dancing afterwards (http://instagram.com/p/v4p0PUQ1S_/ ; see @amber_msbarbell for more). It was just fun for me to do and I liked picking songs to fit my mood. It eventually spiraled into Amber just doing weird things but it makes me happy and it's a release that isn't in the gym. Plus I like trying new poses. Especially  the ones where I fall on my face.

 Look out for side crow 2015. Well...maybe 2016.

Iron Lesson: Loose lips sink ships but loose hips sink squat PRs. 

Nails

Even though I am the furthest thing from a girly girl I love doing my nails. All kinds of weird colors and sometimes with glitter. Sometimes I have multiple colors on. 

"Amber do you spend money on a manicure?" NOPE DOT COM. I don't have that kind of cash money to throw around. More importantly I don't do my nails to look a certain way or be pretty. It's another form of therapy for me. It's mindless and I enjoy changing the color every week or so. Some people think it's too time consuming especially when I lift a lot so they get chipped. 

To those haters I say: "To the left, to the left. My unfollow button is all the way to the left."

Iron Lesson: Flashy, stubby nails don't get in the way of your gains. The barbell appreciates you getting fancy for him.

Reading & Writing 

This comes as no surprise that Amber is a giant nerd. I cried on my first day of kindergarden because I was upset they didn't teach me how to read. 

One of the first books I read was Little House on The Prairie: not because of the content, but because it was the biggest book I could find. In 5th grade I wrote a book report on John Grisham's The Chamber. 

My favorite TV show growing up was "Wishbone" (it had a talking dog who read books). 

When I got into college and then law school, my majors required that I read all the time. I stopped reading for fun. In law school I only recall reading one book for fun ("The Art Of Racing In The Rain")

I started reading again for fun this year. My first book was the science fiction novel called "Dune". It should really be called a science fiction opus.  It took me 8 months to read the 980 page book (I skipped reading it for two months).

When I got done with it I went hog wild and bought some more books. The first one I've started to read is "Sports Gene". I read a little bit every night after I write in my journal before bed. Writing really helps my brain settle down and keeps me grounded.

Iron Lesson: By keeping my brain sharp and by releasing my thoughts before bed, my stress has been lower and I feel like the old Amber. Just one with more strength and mental gains. 

Jean Procurement

This was the biggest milestone for me. I haven't worn jeans in over a year. When I hurt my back my eating disorder went full on crazy. I stayed away from any party or office setting. I gained some weight, as was expected, and didn't want to try on the jeans because I knew they wouldn't fit. When I did attend human parties I showed up in a dress or leggings which made me feel out of place OR I went in spandex and got made fun of. 

I didn't want my disorder to win  or keep me on the sidelines so a few weeks ago I made the decision to throw out all the other jeans and shorts that no longer fit (they went to a charity) and go buy new ones.  The first store I entered I almost had a mental breakdown before even picking any up to try on; it didn't help the sales woman was unhelpful. 

The next store was better. I at least tried some pants on. None were to my liking (and were too long; see below for details) but I didn't cry or give up hope. I had to tell myself pants didn't define me and ignored the sizes. I looked at them but they didn't give me a sinking feeling.

Eventually I found TWO pairs of pants at Kohl's and bought them. 

My new goal was to wear them once a month out in public. Three days after buying them I wore them to trivia night and did this dance ( http://instagram.com/p/wXnq2dQ1eM/ ). I even wore a fitted top with it! I ended up putting on my jacket about 30 minutes into being at the facility but baby steps. One hurdle at a time.

Thank you Jennifer Lopez for making jeans that make me dance.

Iron Lesson: If you aren't scared of jeans, then you aren't scared of weight on and off the bar.

Learn About Food

Food  is not the enemy. Food is fuel. That’s the cliché quote I see everywhere. But I finally accepted that sentiment and saw the world in a whole new light.

I slowly started asking more questions of mentors and friends and started eating regularly.  After a month of not skipping meals, I felt like a new human. I'm not as tired; not as grumpy; and just as strong. I'm still a troll though. 

When we attended a continuing education course for weightlifting  last weekend we had a chapter on nutrition; I didn't even cry or panic. Not even a little bit. When we went out to eat, I didn't freak out. I know what carbs are and why they are important. I know what proteins and fats do. I don't train to eat anymore and I don't skip meals based on my perceived self esteem. 

I didn't purge, binge or restrict this last holiday (Thanksgiving); that's the first time that has happened in 7 years. I think the rest of these things had to happen to get my mind in a good place to be able to attack this head on. It's a process and I learn and grow every day. It's a lifelong battle but I now have the tools to fight it effectively and in a healthy manner.

Knowledge is power.

Iron lesson: Food gives you gains if you understand it and aren't its prisoner. 

WRASSLIN 

Otherwise known as wrestling or sports entertainment. 

I watch the soap opera storylines and grown men and women falling down every week. If it's Monday night, I'm watching Raw. On Fridays I alternate between wrestling and Dateline. I hung a WWE blanket as a makeshift curtain at the last place I lived & got sanctioned by the Homeowner's Association. 

I attended a live event when WWE LIVE came to Jackson. Second row, all by myself. Let me tell you I had the time of my life. I look forward to the next event too. If nothing else so I can do this again when my ticket comes in (http://instagram.com/p/syjowsQ1Su/).

Did you know former USAW Olympian weightlifter and powerlifting champ Mark Henry is a professional wrestler? That John Cena trains at The Lab Gym when in STL? Seth Rollins & Cesaro snatch and clean and jerk? Well now you do so sip your haterade elsewhere. OR BRING ME SOME AND JOIN ME IN SUPPORTING WRASSLIN.

Sometimes my worlds collide: yoga AND WRASSLIN (http://instagram.com/p/vhBjugw1Vi/) 

Iron Lesson: Mindless TV is ok in moderation. But if you get into something, go full on obsessive with it.  Just like lifting. 

At the end of the day, just relax and better yourself as a whole. Lifting is a gigantic part of my life. It's my profession and my passion but don't be afraid to look elsewhere for inspiration or challenges. A well rounded lifter is a good lifter. 

Training Your Brain For A Competition

I coach a lot of beginner lifters that have their first meet coming up next week. I've fielded a lot of questions and eased a lot of minds about what to expect the last few days.

There have been a lot of articles written about meet prep but I haven't seen many about how to train your brain for a competition. My good friend Adrienne suggested I make a post about it so here it is!

Let's get metaphysical

Do Things You Hate

Well you weightlift so safe to say you hate yourself a little bit already. That's a joke guys. Sort of. I mean think about it: You're competing in a sport where I'm sure you've cursed the barbell more times than not. That barbell can chew you up and spit you right out if you're not ready. 

When I first started competitive lifting over a decade ago I would make myself so nervous that I threw up before every meet. Then I decided to just make myself really uncomfortable a lot in training so that on meet day I was prepared for anything that would happen.

 I don't recommend doing these things all the time but try them out from time to time. 

1. Lift around people who really annoy you on a day you have a hard session planned. Learn to block out their negative energy. 

2. Don't like lifting with people around you? Get used to it.  After all at a meet you're going to have a host of judges around you and (hopefully) a crowd. If you are about to lift and someone is standing in your eyeline, don't wait for them to move. Make your lift. Of course use your judgement on their proximal distance from you so no one dies. And if you're the guy always standing in people's eyelines no one likes you and you probably won't be missed. Again that is a total joke. No hate mail please. 

All eyes will be on you. Get used to feeling that. Photo: Tim Addison

3. Only like lifting with people around you? Take a solo session if you can. Learn to be alone with your thoughts. They will be racing on meet day. Learn how that feels. 

Welcome to your game day. Learn to stand alone. Photo: Tim Addison

4. If you always listen to music training take a day and don't listen to any. Guess how much plays when you are on a platform? Generally absolutely none. You can also listen to a genre that you despise for a set or two. If you don't listen to music try listening to some one day. In a nutshell just do the opposite of normal. 

5. Everyone and their mom just loves to wear singlets right? Get over it and wear it at least once a week. Don't put shorts or pants on over it. Don't put a shirt on over it (unless you plan to wear one under it at a meet). Get used to lifting in it and having all eyes on you while you do it. If anyone cracks a joke remind them that you're preparing for a meet and ask when they are competing in one. If that backfires show them the Leonardo DiCaprio picture. 

If you get involved in a fisticuffs match with singlet hater say this to the authorities. Disclaimer: don't get involved in a fisticuffs match. 

6. increase your heart rate and then try to lower it quickly as you approach the bar. You never know what will happen on a platform. Maybe you'll have to rush over to it (unlikely with a good coach but crazy things happen so prep for it). Maybe you'll have to follow yourself. 

Learn to breathe with purpose. I used to jump around before bench press attempts and slap myself to increase my adrenaline and try to come down before sitting down because that was my weakest lift and it made me nervous. It worked. I went 3/3 in the following meets on that lift. 

Get focused and breathe

7. Prepare for mishaps. Take the bar and the attempt as it is some days. What does that mean? Don't reset the bar if hits the squat rack on the way out. Breathe and take the attempt. Get out of your head. Bar not perfectly centered on the platform? So what. Lift it anyway without readjusting it. 

If you do have a funny mishap, Bob Saget wants to see it

Do Things You Love

Making yourself uncomfortable works wonders for your psyche but sometimes you have to do things that make you feel warm and fuzzy inside too. I recommend doing these throughout your training but especially meet week. 

1. Lift with your friends. Training can be fun. There's a time and a place to laugh during sessions too. You'll need a lot of laughter the week of your meet if you're nervous. 

Mississippi Barbell athletes training one Saturday

Coach Tyler giving real time feedback, complete with jokes, to athlete George

2. Get a sports massage or some soft tissue work done by your local licensed chiropractor. 

We use Clayton Pitts off Lakeland behind Primos at Norville Chiropractic

3. Get a manicure and/or pedicure. I don't know what the male equivalent of this would be. Get your beard trimmed?

Say this immediately after your nails are done. Draw out the "a" or it doesn't count. 

4. Take a bubble bath or Epsom salt bath. Male or female: bust out that Mr. Bubble and relax your brain. 

Have A Routine 

Routine is good. With routine comes autopilot that will kick in when you need it. 

1. Approach the bar the same way every time. On game day do the same. You'll have tunnel vision and go off that autopilot. For snatch and clean and jerk I look down at the ground and walk to the bar. I continue to look down so I don't see the sea of faces around me. I set my feet up how I always do, get my grip positioned right, and don't look up until I'm ready to pull. For my squats in powerlifting I do the same. I look at the bar on the horizon though. I get under the bar the same way every time, step out the same way, and let my body do what it does best. 

Try not to call anyone "Surely" either

2. Routinely hit weights or attempt to hit weights that make you nervous. Feel the nerves at practice. On game day you'll know what you're capable of and it won't be as bad as you think. 

3. Time your rest between attempts and gear it towards what type of meet you are attending. Depending on the size and type of meet you may get your attempts quickly or you may be waiting for a while. Do your research and plan for both. 

If you wear this clock at a meet you will become my new best friend. Hat optional. 

4. Practice what you'll do at the meet. Know your warm ups before going into a meet. Don't wing it on that day. Have a mock meet. Eat the same foods you eat in training; if you don't you may spend all morning in the bathroom. Train around the same time as you will be lifting when you can. Time zones are killer. Adjust accordingly. I recommend getting yourself a coach to figure all of this out for you. You should just go lift. Don't even worry about the rest if you have a competent coach. 

Don't let this be you

Iron Lesson: Prepare your mind like you prepare your body for a meet and you'll be fine. Find a competent coach who has meet experience if you can. If you can't then do all the research you can and ask questions to anyone who will listen. You're competing in a meet and that's more than most people can say. Everyone loves to talk but you're the one walking the walk. Own it. 

Yes that's Albert Einstein

Words & Wounds

Anyone with an eating disorder knows that it never really goes away. Whenever you are stressed or if you see something that triggers you, the thoughts come back. The only difference is now you calm those thoughts and don't act on them. 

I've had some familiar and unwanted thoughts come back into my life. I know why they resurfaced; a cocktail of stress, old pictures, and powerlifting meet week. 

Stress

Stress is a big trigger for disordered thoughts. Most use the EDs to cope with the stress but really the ED adds even more stress. You just live in a vicious cycle until you decide to break it.

Obligatory dog picture

For the past few months I've been free of that cycle. It's been awesome. I would look at myself and just see a strong person. My shoulders and waist looked great to me. I was lifting big weight, I was happy, and I didn't cry trying on bridesmaid dresses and bathing suits. Last week I even wore human clothes three times: including dresses and heels!

You can have all the self confidence in the world and brush off what people say about your body. But sometimes, like right now, when you've heard comments about your body numerous times in the last month...eventually it gets to you. Couple that with big life stressors and you have a recipe for a meltdown.

My face when the last half of my avocado slips out my hand

Two family members told me I had "fat legs" and that I had gotten "fat". Doesn't matter I'm feeling great about myself, wearing shorts regularly in public and training, and doing what I love. That stuff stings but I let it go.

My face when people are rude 

Then I had total strangers say things to me. 

The dress alteration lady said I had "broad shoulders". 

An employee at the dress shop took my measurements, and when I told her not to tell me my sizes due to recovering from an eating disorder, said "Your waist is so tiny in comparison to the rest of you." 

A bank teller said "I couldn't have your legs. I just want to be lean and toned."

Diesel can't handle their judgment either

A passerby at a grocery store said I was "thick".

A friend told me I wasn't built for aesthetics but for "performance". 

So after I was reminded by someone else how "fat" my legs had gotten, I started to question what I was seeing in the mirror. Apparently what I was seeing wasn't as pretty as I thought it was.

Old Picture

That Molotov cocktail was ready to light my world up if I let it. Unfortunately, I let it.

I was looking for a #tbt picture or video and found some old pictures from pre-injury (summer 2013). That was when I lost it.

Thee left was pre-injury Amber. I saw this and was like "Wow. Now I can see where the 30 pounds I gained went." Nevermind the fact you were pretty much sedentary with your lower body for 10 months. Nevermind that you switched sports. Nevermind the fact you got your brain healthy. Nevermind the fact that in the left I was barely eating and my training logs read like a cry for help. Nevermind I eat healthy, with a good mind set, regularly, and perform your lifts well without pain. 

None of that mattered. All I saw was how I looked and how I looked to other people. You can't sit there and say there isn't a marked difference. If there wasn't then people wouldn't be telling me I'm fat. I've calculated my macros and I am not mentally strong enough to track my food. I sob over a banana's nutrients. So if you're reading this don't you dare send me any kind of message that I just need to clean up my diet. You can ask my roommate how much prep I do for the week. 

Then I got mad at myself. Is what I just typed a road block? The past has shown me it's not. It's real. My disordered brain can't handle tracking. I get mad that I can't handle it. Why? I'm a perfectionist.

In my head I heard another recent comment someone told me: "Just exercise more." First of all that is the WORST thing to tell someone whose former ED manifested in exercise bulimia. Second of all I DO exercise. Our sessions are grueling and I see gains from them. I tried to run again but it hurt my back and did more harm than good to my brain. Spin triggers me like you wouldn't believe and is horrible on my back. So I started adding rowing to my warm ups; I can't lean all the way back due to my back but I do what I can. I can't tell you how many people I see get injured or lose hope and just fall off the face of the earth. But I don't. I didn't.

Instead I get constantly reminded of what I used to look like. From others but even worse from myself.

Powerlifting Meet

Powerlifting triggers me way more than weightlifting. I think it's because I had done it longer and there are more weight classes to have to fit into it. I started when I was a bright eyed bushy tailed high school kid and I remember making my mom cook just soup the week of a meet. Regardless if I needed to drop weight or not. I always wanted to be the smallest girl in my class (DISCLAIMER THAT IS NOT WHAT YOU SHOULD STRIVE TO DO: check out my Athletes & Eating Disordered blog here: 

http://ironlessons.blogspot.com/2014/06/athletes-and-eating-disorders.html )

Dead eyed, bushy tailed Amber

This meet is especially hard on my brain because it's my first full one back. I bombed that bench press meet for a variety of reasons in February. I have the added pressure of people expecting me to get my records back. And I can't help but think back on the numbers I hit 30 pounds lighter and feel like I've gotten weaker. The meet is 6.5 hours away too and we all know my car is on her last leg; frustrated with myself and the situation at the moment.

Last full meet; July 2013

I've had a hard time getting an appetite with the stress and these thoughts. But I have been eating. Usually training forces me to eat but I haven't wanted to even train. I still go though because if I don't the negative thoughts win. 

 I need to get out of my head and clear out expectations. At the end of the day, you affect the outcome of your life. I eeven went back and re-read my old blog Choose Your Thoughts (http://ironlessons.blogspot.com/2014/07/choose-your-thoughts.html ).

Iron Lesson: Don't live in the past. Delete or hide old pictures of yourself just like you do for exes. Find your self-worth in thinking you are beautiful and try not to let other negative views impact your own body image. Watch the words you use to describe others; they matter more than you can know. In the immortal ways of Taylor Swift, "Haters gonna hate (x3)....Shake it off, shake  shake shake it off!"

http://instagram.com/p/sdKRVLw1WX/ (<<<< My Shake It Off Dance gem>>>>)