Choose Your Thoughts

I've had a hard time finding something to write about this week. I've had a few topics in mind but haven't felt that drive to throw myself into the writing process on them. I've been in a rough headspace this week and just didn't have the energy to fake it for an inspirational blog post.

That's when I realized not everything has to be this grandiose inspirational post. Inspiration comes in little gestures during times when you need it most. That's usually when you're in the dark. So let's talk about the darkness of this week and what it took to get beyond it.

High Highs

This week has been a roller coaster of emotions. On Monday I broke through a mental plateau since the injury and hit 50/110 snatch thanks to my coach pushing me to get out of my head. My jerks were better too. When doctors told me February 2013 I would never snatch again due to my shoulders, I believed them. When doctors told me I wouldn't be able to squat again with my back July 2014, I believed them. For a little bit at least. 

But I stayed patient, fixed what I could, and got out of my head. When I did that, I learned I could do dang near anything. When the shoulder injury diagnosis came back my coach never believed for one second I wouldn't be able to lift again. When the back issues started, he made me seek help but never let me wallow in pity. When I got the OK to try it again, he was there to encourage me safely and push me when I needed it. But also make me stop when I needed to. Hands down the best big brother and business partner I could ever ask for. Was it the prettiest snatch ever? No. Did I think this would ever happen again? No. But I felt like I snatched 92 kilos and you can tell by the way I squealed and jumped afterwards.



Low Lows

But then on Tuesday, I had an injury flare up. I didn't choose my thoughts. My back was hurting after the warm up but I decided to keep going. WRONG ANSWER AMBER. During a moderate snatch I got spit out on my butt and flew backwards. My left shoulder, which has always been prone to dislocations but hadn't done it in a while, rolled out on a lift.

 My acromion isn't fused so this shoulder tends to get loose (os acromiale)

On Wednesday it was still tender so I just did my pulls and squats. I felt like a donkey/frog hybrid which didn't help my brain. But I still got in and did what I could.

Fast forward to Thursday and a cultivation of car issues, rejection, and injuries created the perfect storm for a breakdown. My back and shoulder were still hurting by the time training came around. Worked through snatch and C&J but I was in a lot of pain. I wanted to keep training for a host of egotistical reasons. I looked at the remainder of my workout and saw that it was all overhead movements. I couldn't do those with my pain. I knew what that pain was. It was the pain that I worked through two years ago that messed me up even more. I didn't want to talk about it. I didn't want to be called a baby. I let my ego get me into that mess and kept me from speaking out to get out of it.

Awareness
So I went to the bathroom and let myself feel my emotions. I have a history of bottling up my emotions and not allowing myself to feel them. Then when I do allow myself to feel them, it's a watershed moment. I've worked on it and it's gotten better. But on Thursday I let the week get to me.

You can get existential even if it's on a bathroom floor

I was upset that I had just said I was feeling great with no pain and BOOM pain happened.

I was upset because I didn't feel like an athlete. When you are in a room full of athletes going 100 miles per hour and you are going 15 with your flashers on...it can suck.

I was upset because I had eaten that day like a training day and ED thoughts crept in at the thought of not training that day. I even put on a sweatshirt because of it but took it off soon after realizing why I did it.

I was upset because I allowed myself to finally feel rejection.  Romantically, platonically, professionally. Stuff that may have happened months ago. Things that happened that week. I take it all personally and to heart. I try to block it off and compartamentaize it but never feel it. During the cry session those thoughts rushed over me and I allowed myself to accept it each situation for what it was.

I was upset because I let my feelings dictate my week. I didn't go to yoga. I didn't go to the grocery store. I felt like if I wasn't perfect, why go at all. Money troubles ate at me. I had to nix a trip to see one of my favorite singers (whom I had never seen live) because of it.

I was upset because I felt like a failure.

Perspective

I texted a close friend my feelings and received a wake up call. Take it one day at a time. Look where you were and were you are now. Don't sweat the small stuff. You wake every day and live your dream; who else can say that?

After that I sat there and ran through a few past inspirational nuggets from my friends' speeches in the past. I still pull from them regularly.

"You're smart enough. You've just put up road blocks."

"Don't look in the mirror when things go wrong."

"You are more than your body and your mind."

"Perfectionism is unattainable."

"The stronger you become, the bigger the test to show that strength. Grit your teeth. Make a way."

"Embrace the struggle."

I pulled myself together, got away from the noise, and laid down in a sectioned off room until my group class. When they came in, I forgot about my issues and focused on them having a good time.

On my way out, someone stopped me to tell me they watched my snatch video from Monday a few times and thought it was pretty. Little did they know how much I needed to hear that. It put a genuine smile on my face.

There's always light even when surrounded by darkness

Post-Blog Inspiration

After having written this, I feel better. I watched my favorite motivational video for the twelve millionth time. For the third time on this blog, I'll share it with you now:

Donny Shankle Is Back by EMJ Fox

Iron Lesson: Choose your thoughts. The barbell is great therapy; it'll release emotions you never knew you had. But it isn't the end all be all of your existence. It's a tool for you to use to cope and grow. Never let it defeat you, never let it hurt you. Listen to your body and calm your mind. Know when to walk away.

Henry Rollins Taught Me To Accept My Body

Henry Rollins, the legendary front man for Black Flag and the man you see quoted by every aspiring fitness model or bodybuilder known to man, taught me how to accept by body for what it is right now today.

This Henry Rollins? Really?

Real-time image of your faces right now

"Amber when did you meet Henry Rollins?"
In my metaphorical dreams.

"Iron & The Soul"

Many, many, many moons ago 13 year old Amber sent off for Henry Rollins' autograph after she read "Iron & The Soul", an article written by Rollins. He actually sent her a signed postcard.

19 year old Amber's dorm room had "Iron & The Soul" taped to her door. She read it every day.

23 year old Amber had it taped on her apartment door in law school. She would stand there and read particular paragraphs every day; by this time she knew it near verbatim. Certain paragraphs for certain moods of the day.

There was motivation. There was sadness. There was love and heartbreak. Rollins is much deeper than the filtered or photoshopped Instagram posts give him credit for. I don't think they've seen this quote from him though: "If you are working out for cosmetic reasons, you are not in the gym to push yourself, you’re putting on make-up but it’s muscle. It’s an entirely different ethic. You see it in city gyms, some of these people train for a social scene. That’s for them to do but it is what it is and it’s not for me."

26 year old Amber has a copy folded up in a side pocket of her purse. I've memorized passages that my heart needs from time to time. "Iron never lies", "Most injuries are the result of ego", the relationship passage.

Where do you think I got the idea for the name of this blog? Iron Lessons? That's a personal throwback to an article that's been with me as long as I've been involved with strength sports.
.

Even Rollins & Danzig read

Rollins In An Unlikely Place

What made today different was that I heard Rollins' name and quotation pop up in what has become my home away from the platform: yoga.

I heard my instructor say "I'd like to read you a quote from Henry Rollins to end class today.

'Muscle mass does not always equal strength. Strength is kindness and sensitivity. Strength is understanding that your power is both physical and emotional. That it comes from the body and the mind. And the heart.' 

Namaste." That was the closest I have ever come to repeating Namaste back at any instructor.

This is the "yes" I wanted to yell when I heard his quotation read aloud

I'm well versed in the Rollins universe and playbook. He's pretty much one of my favorite philosophers. Before you fall off your high horse reading Aristotle or Descartes, go read or listen to some of his work. I don't subscribe to all of it but his 1994+ stuff is really worth delving into. He created his own publishing company in the 1980s and has written copious amounts of essays and novels. Check out his essays, photography, Get In The Van & The Portable Henry Rollins.

 

 Philosopher Rollins

 Iron Lesson

I've read that passage that was read to me today  umpteen times by now but it wasn't until I heard it in an unlikely place and at a time when I was ready to hear it that I understood it.

I'm not the size I was this time last year. I don't have a flat stomach. My quads aren't as defined. My old jeans don't fit. My face isn't as slim. I'm nowhere close to my old weight class.

But, my mental sanity is much better. I don't obsess over my plate (as much; it's a work in progress. A very, very slow one). My numbers with regards to the barbell have improved. I can do arm balances and all kinds of poses I never thought possible: at a higher body weight.

Growing up in weight classes I never felt strong even when I was. Why? Because some girls 3 weight classes below me could smoke me out the water. I never wanted to tell my numbers because I felt like people would think "Well if Lightweight A and Heavyweight B lift the same weight then Lightweight A is stronger." We have formulas for that; I just always felt that lighter was better. Being heavier just meant everyone expected you to be able to do something. A huge pet peeve is when people would belittle a weak lift of mine (coughbenchpresscough) and say "Oh that's it?" That really does wonder for the self esteem. Check out some older blogs about that jibberish.

I wouldn't say I'm at the point now where I don't care about my size or if I lost weight. I won't lie to you and say I don't care at all. Sometimes I still find myself comparing myself to others; most importantly to my OLD SELF. And yes: sometimes I wish I had smaller hips, no cellulite, and a six pack. I've never been naturally small. When I was it was because I was sick and not eating. That's no way to live. But my avoidance of mirrors and reflections has lessened. If I put on a shirt, it has to stay on even after a mirror check. Anything that makes me feel uncomfortable for whatever reason goes in a bin for charity.

But this back injury and the journey coming back from it taught me a lot. I am very strong in mind, body and spirit. I could have quit. But I didn't. I decided to share my journey and be transparent on this blog and with all of my clients. Secrets don't win favors with EDs.

I poured my entire heart and soul into a cause I believed in with every fiber that I possessed; into a cause that many people didn't understand at first. But I stuck it out and stood firm in my belief in myself (and my business partner). When everyone else was telling me to go sit in an office and "just take the bar and make lots of money." I stuck with my passion and nurtured it. Not many people can say that.

Rollins' "Letter To A Young American" (especially around 2:05)

At the end of the day I've realized that how my body looks is not the most important thing in the world. I actually believe this now and the words aren't some kind of mantra or lie I tell myself to accept my own image.

During this journey I've met some of the best coaches and athletes in their fields and you know what? They all came in different shapes, sizes, and abilities. But their energy and love for their sport surpassed any physical representations of themselves. You could feel their light and their passion immediately.

I knew this all along but it just took another Rollins' quote to pull my head out of my own butt and not only see that but to actually believe it.

So I'll leave you with one more Rollins quote that I think encapsulates this entire journey:

“I definitely learned a lesson this time. I know that I can be broken. I am not as tough as I thought. I see it now. At this point, it's the only thing good that came out of all of this. I know myself better now and know what I have to do.” 

Namaste