Release the demons

In my sport, injuries happen. They do. Torn quads, tendons, rotators, backs, wrists, knees...something is bound to get jacked up. When you've been doing it 12 years, the bell is going to ring every now and then. When it does, and you are put on the sideline, it cages the beast and the demons inside you. All they want to do is escape and rage. You have to let them. When you don't, days like today happen.

 The Break

Today I hit a wall in my own training.

Actually, I haven't been training the last 3 weeks. I've been "working out". I haven't had a goal. With the back being a stubborn little jerk, everything has been upper body. By upper body, I mean bench press and curling because bending motions and twisting the trunk inflame it.

In between one on one sessions today, I benched. I had no plan. Just went through the motions. Spent a lot of time in between sets staring at the warehouse ceiling. Playing on my phone. Things that I would berate my lifters for doing; letting the mind wander and not being present. I just quit halfway through the "plan" I had and sat in a chair and ate crackers until the next session.

On one hand it's nice to give my mind a break. Training takes so much out of you mentally. I throw everything I have into it. Example: last year at Nationals after my final lift, I walked off the stage, past a group of people, slumped against the wall and burst into tears. Tears of relief. I could relax. My 7 months of training was over. The barbell is my best friend and my worst enemy. To paraphrase Beyonce, I have sweet dreams and beautiful nightmares about it.

The Crisis

On the other hand , I question my existence without a plan. Throw in someone bringing up Nationals today and insert an existential crisis . I've been fighting this injury since Nationals last year. I thought "Sweet baby jesus...it's been this long?!...What am I doing with my life?" Then of course you start looking at old videos and pictures. That's healthy right? (answer: ABSOLUTELY NOT).

Down the rabbit hole I went and I looked up some state bench records (aka what I can compete in at the moment; albeit it's without arching because that inflames it). My bench has always been very weak due in part to my unfused shoulders. I did a cycle semi-recently and it improved drastically. It's all I've got right now so it has my undivided attention.

The Plan

Looking at those records and seeing how very close they were to my own PR fire lit my fire. I was hungry. Actually--I was ravenous. For a highly competitive individual, being gone one month, two months, let alone six months, takes a toll on you. I harnessed that hunger into coaching and programming and it's been great.

The Platform

But once an athlete, always an athlete. There is nothing like being on a platform. The 1000 yard death stare looking at the bar. The tunnel vision. Being oblivious to everyone and everything except that head judge's hand and voice. Those seconds you stand on the platform after a lift waiting for the lights to decide your fate. Competition brings out the best and worst in people; their true character is exposed.

I long to get back to that plywood. I'm not cleared for a barbell on my back or picking it up off the floor so I signed up to do the BP portion of a full meet. $65 for 3 lifts. To some that might sound insane. Lead by example, put up or shut up. I lift for myself and to battle off my own demons. They've been bottled up too long the last few months (please see other blog posts about the ED and recovery). The only way they can be released is by genuinely training and being on a platform.

Back to the hellhole we call training I go. I'm gunning for that record. I'm releasing the demons. When you see them, I suggest you run the other way. They've been waiting to get out.

This video got me to and through nationals (and a lot of other life events). Here we go again my friend.