Strong is not the new skinny

This injury has been having me fight with myself and my body the last five months. The barbell saved my life before in showing me that a number on the scale didn't matter. Before I found the sport again in 2008 after a brief hiatus, I had been so wrapped up in loosing weight and body fat composition and what size my pants were. After finding the barbell again, I went the opposite direction: my self worth was predicated on how much I could lift--my strength. Instead of calorie counting, I counted the kilos on the bar and that measured my self esteem. If I wasn't skinny, I had to be strong. I have an addictive, perfectionist mentality. I couldn't just be strong. I had to be the strongest. Even if I was just competing with myself. It's safe to say I substituted one demon for another.

Enter the Great Back Injury of 2013.

When I was stripped of squatting, dead lifting, front squatting, cleaning, snatching (you get the point), I lost my identity. I didn't want to eat. I had feelings of disgust at my body. "You aren't even strong anymore," I thought.  Don't get me wrong, I still lifted what I could (hello upper body) but when you are surrounded by the CrossFit boom, all you hear is "Strong is the New Skinny". While it's great society is slowly shifting to a positive view of empowered females, I'm not so sure we should equate our self worth with how much weight is on our back. How is that any different than equating your self worth with a number on the scale or a jean size? In this case maybe I need to say your Nike Pro booty short size or inseam.

With all of the weightlifting club stuff and my coaching career really picking up speed, it has showed me that I am more than weight on the scale, more than my muscle mass, and more than what I lift. Those things are a part of me but what really makes me is inside. It’s my heart, my passion, and my drive. Two of my personal programmers are gym owners whose lights have dimmed and needed fire. In sharing my story and my passion for the sport, it's helped rekindle theirs. There is excitement for their own sessions, but more importantly there is excitement from them to coach again. That is the greatest gift I could ever give someone.

As the numbers metaphorically shift on the scale and certain areas of my body expand or diminish, those qualities haven’t been stripped. If anything the light they provide shines brighter and brighter every day. Otherwise none of this would be happening. Sometimes I think I’m too involved in this sport, in my athletes, and with constantly seeking more and more knowledge (practical and theoretical). Maybe I annoy some with all of my Facebook and instagram posts...heck even this blog: they all correlate to weightlifting and strength sports. But then I quickly get my wits back about me and I just think all that means is I’m so passionate that it can’t help but pour out of me and into every facet of my life. If I can share that love and that light, then I will. Because that is what makes a difference in your life...not how much you squat.