That's when I realized not everything has to be this grandiose inspirational post. Inspiration comes in little gestures during times when you need it most. That's usually when you're in the dark. So let's talk about the darkness of this week and what it took to get beyond it.
High Highs
This week has been a roller coaster of emotions. On Monday I broke through a mental plateau since the injury and hit 50/110 snatch thanks to my coach pushing me to get out of my head. My jerks were better too. When doctors told me February 2013 I would never snatch again due to my shoulders, I believed them. When doctors told me I wouldn't be able to squat again with my back July 2014, I believed them. For a little bit at least.
But I stayed patient, fixed what I could, and got out of my head. When I did that, I learned I could do dang near anything. When the shoulder injury diagnosis came back my coach never believed for one second I wouldn't be able to lift again. When the back issues started, he made me seek help but never let me wallow in pity. When I got the OK to try it again, he was there to encourage me safely and push me when I needed it. But also make me stop when I needed to. Hands down the best big brother and business partner I could ever ask for. Was it the prettiest snatch ever? No. Did I think this would ever happen again? No. But I felt like I snatched 92 kilos and you can tell by the way I squealed and jumped afterwards.
Low Lows
But then on Tuesday, I had an injury flare up. I didn't choose my thoughts. My back was hurting after the warm up but I decided to keep going. WRONG ANSWER AMBER. During a moderate snatch I got spit out on my butt and flew backwards. My left shoulder, which has always been prone to dislocations but hadn't done it in a while, rolled out on a lift.
My acromion isn't fused so this shoulder tends to get loose (os acromiale)
On Wednesday it was still tender so I just did my pulls and squats. I felt like a donkey/frog hybrid which didn't help my brain. But I still got in and did what I could.
Fast forward to Thursday and a cultivation of car issues, rejection, and injuries created the perfect storm for a breakdown. My back and shoulder were still hurting by the time training came around. Worked through snatch and C&J but I was in a lot of pain. I wanted to keep training for a host of egotistical reasons. I looked at the remainder of my workout and saw that it was all overhead movements. I couldn't do those with my pain. I knew what that pain was. It was the pain that I worked through two years ago that messed me up even more. I didn't want to talk about it. I didn't want to be called a baby. I let my ego get me into that mess and kept me from speaking out to get out of it.
Awareness
So I went to the bathroom and let myself feel my emotions. I have a history of bottling up my emotions and not allowing myself to feel them. Then when I do allow myself to feel them, it's a watershed moment. I've worked on it and it's gotten better. But on Thursday I let the week get to me.
You can get existential even if it's on a bathroom floor
I was upset that I had just said I was feeling great with no pain and BOOM pain happened.
I was upset because I didn't feel like an athlete. When you are in a room full of athletes going 100 miles per hour and you are going 15 with your flashers on...it can suck.
I was upset because I had eaten that day like a training day and ED thoughts crept in at the thought of not training that day. I even put on a sweatshirt because of it but took it off soon after realizing why I did it.
I was upset because I allowed myself to finally feel rejection. Romantically, platonically, professionally. Stuff that may have happened months ago. Things that happened that week. I take it all personally and to heart. I try to block it off and compartamentaize it but never feel it. During the cry session those thoughts rushed over me and I allowed myself to accept it each situation for what it was.
I was upset because I let my feelings dictate my week. I didn't go to yoga. I didn't go to the grocery store. I felt like if I wasn't perfect, why go at all. Money troubles ate at me. I had to nix a trip to see one of my favorite singers (whom I had never seen live) because of it.
I was upset because I felt like a failure.
Perspective
After that I sat there and ran through a few past inspirational nuggets from my friends' speeches in the past. I still pull from them regularly.
"You're smart enough. You've just put up road blocks."
"Don't look in the mirror when things go wrong."
"You are more than your body and your mind."
"Perfectionism is unattainable."
"The stronger you become, the bigger the test to show that strength. Grit your teeth. Make a way."
"Embrace the struggle."
I pulled myself together, got away from the noise, and laid down in a sectioned off room until my group class. When they came in, I forgot about my issues and focused on them having a good time.
On my way out, someone stopped me to tell me they watched my snatch video from Monday a few times and thought it was pretty. Little did they know how much I needed to hear that. It put a genuine smile on my face.
There's always light even when surrounded by darkness
Post-Blog Inspiration
After having written this, I feel better. I watched my favorite motivational video for the twelve millionth time. For the third time on this blog, I'll share it with you now:
Iron Lesson: Choose your thoughts. The barbell is great therapy; it'll release emotions you never knew you had. But it isn't the end all be all of your existence. It's a tool for you to use to cope and grow. Never let it defeat you, never let it hurt you. Listen to your body and calm your mind. Know when to walk away.
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