Anyone with an eating disorder knows that it never really goes away. Whenever you are stressed or if you see something that triggers you, the thoughts come back. The only difference is now you calm those thoughts and don't act on them.
I've had some familiar and unwanted thoughts come back into my life. I know why they resurfaced; a cocktail of stress, old pictures, and powerlifting meet week.
Stress
Stress is a big trigger for disordered thoughts. Most use the EDs to cope with the stress but really the ED adds even more stress. You just live in a vicious cycle until you decide to break it.
Obligatory dog picture
For the past few months I've been free of that cycle. It's been awesome. I would look at myself and just see a strong person. My shoulders and waist looked great to me. I was lifting big weight, I was happy, and I didn't cry trying on bridesmaid dresses and bathing suits. Last week I even wore human clothes three times: including dresses and heels!
You can have all the self confidence in the world and brush off what people say about your body. But sometimes, like right now, when you've heard comments about your body numerous times in the last month...eventually it gets to you. Couple that with big life stressors and you have a recipe for a meltdown.
Two family members told me I had "fat legs" and that I had gotten "fat". Doesn't matter I'm feeling great about myself, wearing shorts regularly in public and training, and doing what I love. That stuff stings but I let it go.
My face when people are rude
Then I had total strangers say things to me.
The dress alteration lady said I had "broad shoulders".
An employee at the dress shop took my measurements, and when I told her not to tell me my sizes due to recovering from an eating disorder, said "Your waist is so tiny in comparison to the rest of you."
A bank teller said "I couldn't have your legs. I just want to be lean and toned."
Diesel can't handle their judgment either
A passerby at a grocery store said I was "thick".
A friend told me I wasn't built for aesthetics but for "performance".
So after I was reminded by someone else how "fat" my legs had gotten, I started to question what I was seeing in the mirror. Apparently what I was seeing wasn't as pretty as I thought it was.
Old Picture
That Molotov cocktail was ready to light my world up if I let it. Unfortunately, I let it.
I was looking for a #tbt picture or video and found some old pictures from pre-injury (summer 2013). That was when I lost it.
Thee left was pre-injury Amber. I saw this and was like "Wow. Now I can see where the 30 pounds I gained went." Nevermind the fact you were pretty much sedentary with your lower body for 10 months. Nevermind that you switched sports. Nevermind the fact you got your brain healthy. Nevermind the fact that in the left I was barely eating and my training logs read like a cry for help. Nevermind I eat healthy, with a good mind set, regularly, and perform your lifts well without pain.
None of that mattered. All I saw was how I looked and how I looked to other people. You can't sit there and say there isn't a marked difference. If there wasn't then people wouldn't be telling me I'm fat. I've calculated my macros and I am not mentally strong enough to track my food. I sob over a banana's nutrients. So if you're reading this don't you dare send me any kind of message that I just need to clean up my diet. You can ask my roommate how much prep I do for the week.
Then I got mad at myself. Is what I just typed a road block? The past has shown me it's not. It's real. My disordered brain can't handle tracking. I get mad that I can't handle it. Why? I'm a perfectionist.
In my head I heard another recent comment someone told me: "Just exercise more." First of all that is the WORST thing to tell someone whose former ED manifested in exercise bulimia. Second of all I DO exercise. Our sessions are grueling and I see gains from them. I tried to run again but it hurt my back and did more harm than good to my brain. Spin triggers me like you wouldn't believe and is horrible on my back. So I started adding rowing to my warm ups; I can't lean all the way back due to my back but I do what I can. I can't tell you how many people I see get injured or lose hope and just fall off the face of the earth. But I don't. I didn't.
Instead I get constantly reminded of what I used to look like. From others but even worse from myself.
Powerlifting Meet
Powerlifting triggers me way more than weightlifting. I think it's because I had done it longer and there are more weight classes to have to fit into it. I started when I was a bright eyed bushy tailed high school kid and I remember making my mom cook just soup the week of a meet. Regardless if I needed to drop weight or not. I always wanted to be the smallest girl in my class (DISCLAIMER THAT IS NOT WHAT YOU SHOULD STRIVE TO DO: check out my Athletes & Eating Disordered blog here:
http://ironlessons.blogspot.com/2014/06/athletes-and-eating-disorders.html )
Dead eyed, bushy tailed Amber
This meet is especially hard on my brain because it's my first full one back. I bombed that bench press meet for a variety of reasons in February. I have the added pressure of people expecting me to get my records back. And I can't help but think back on the numbers I hit 30 pounds lighter and feel like I've gotten weaker. The meet is 6.5 hours away too and we all know my car is on her last leg; frustrated with myself and the situation at the moment.
Last full meet; July 2013
I've had a hard time getting an appetite with the stress and these thoughts. But I have been eating. Usually training forces me to eat but I haven't wanted to even train. I still go though because if I don't the negative thoughts win.
I need to get out of my head and clear out expectations. At the end of the day, you affect the outcome of your life. I eeven went back and re-read my old blog Choose Your Thoughts (http://ironlessons.blogspot.com/2014/07/choose-your-thoughts.html ).
Iron Lesson: Don't live in the past. Delete or hide old pictures of yourself just like you do for exes. Find your self-worth in thinking you are beautiful and try not to let other negative views impact your own body image. Watch the words you use to describe others; they matter more than you can know. In the immortal ways of Taylor Swift, "Haters gonna hate (x3)....Shake it off, shake shake shake it off!"
http://instagram.com/p/sdKRVLw1WX/ (<<<< My Shake It Off Dance gem>>>>)
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